CU001 - Cyborg revolution, by René Boon.

[[WP]Aesthir]

Greetings Ladies and Gentlewolves!

Today I got something special for you, a story written by someone I know from university, his name is René Boon.
I originally read this story of him in Dutch and thought it was awesome... Luckily, he was kind enough to translate it in English, and I have the honor of hosting this story on our forums!

Though inevitably, in every translation from one language to another, some parts of the character of a story is lost, but I'm sure it's still a great story for us to read and enjoy.

René is looking for feedback, so when you are finished reading, please let him know or post in this thread what you think of it, and who knows maybe in the future I can convince him to put up a few of his other stories here.

The story can be read by clicking this link.

Enjoy everyone! and that it may inspire some more stories from WP members and visitors alike!

[WP_BurningPhoenix]

Can you host the Dutch version to? For the people who are smart enough to know Dutch :P...

[[WP]Aesthir]

Sure

Here is the Dutch version.

René told me there are some differences in the preface, just so you know.

ps: René would really appreciate any feedback he can get, from WP and non-WP's, so if you have an opinion about this story, please be so kind as to post it here.

[[WP]TheSkyDragon]

Hey René,

I am the 2 years younger brother of Nico, my name is Vincent. And Today I have read your story "Cyborg Revolution". My brother recommended to read your story and I am happy I did. Well I know you want to have feedback about your story, altough I am not that good in giving a feedback. So I just want to tell you my opion about your story. Well actually it's a very good story, exciting, fun because of the end. You have the talent to become a good writer that's my opion. I really appreciate René that you have shared your story with the WP clan. Well to the point I really like the way how you write your story. And I have to recommend people to read it, it's worth your time. Hopefully there will be someone who can give you a good feedback about your story, so you can improve your skills in writing a story.
Once again thank you that you have given us this oppurtunity to read your story, cause it's really fun to read!

Greetings to all,

Vincent

[[OEG]Gudrun]

Good story, Rene, you really have a talent!
I read many stories written by WP, 2 old story by Element (about FL) I even translated to russian , it was great. ( http://order.elite-games.ru/article.php?id=51 )

[WP_Typhoon]

WARNING: SPOILERS

I ended up printing the dutch version and reading it on my way to England... It's a good story.

From the science fiction that I've seen it seems as if most SF stories would be more or less based on an attack of aliens/and or machines, the extinction of the human race etc etc (this excludes StarTreck btw, as I haven't read/watched it. I know it sounds a bit like prejustice.. I guess I haven't read enough, but whenever I look in the SF book section and read the back covers this is what I somehow get), so my first thoughts were "Not again one of these stories". I really liked the idea of merged humans & machines (as an innovative concept, not as in wanting it to happen to me ); although it apparently originates from the Borgs, I think that it's less "(over)used" than the typical alien invasion stuff...

Anyway, here's some feedback:

• In some parts, the story feels a little fragmented. You talk about the evolution of the Cyborgs in one place, then about the current situation again and jump back and forth between the two. I can't make my mind up whether I would want to recommend to change this, since if you had a prequel explaining all of this it would be a bit boring at the beginning... dunno.
• A minor point: Nowadays GMT is called UTC, at least in aviation (and according to this wikipedia link in technical context, too) -> really minor though, sorry
• I found the conversation between Ezri and her father a bit "surreal" under the circumstances...
• I really like the irony at the end! It sounds as if there could be a 2nd part, although it would probably be hard to avoid the "usual themes" of SF... dunno.

Overall I think the story was really worth reading! I liked it!!

[René Boon]

Hello everyone,

First of all, a big thanks to everyone who has managed to read my story sofar! I'm glad it was worth your effort, and if it weren't for you I wouldn't even dare to dream about me being good.

As for the comments from Typhoon, thanks as well! These were just the kind of things I was looking for, and now I know at least that my dialogue/conversation could use some more attention. It's probably a failure of me to express fatherly feelings and/or a Mainframe disguising as a human. Concerning the fragments: I think so, too, but I can't think of a better way to introduce background into the story. Flashbacks may have been more integrated, but those might not fit in such a short story. Still, thanks for mentioning!
(Some trivia about UTC/GMT: you're right, I should have noticed. I had an exam question about UTC, TAI and UT1 last summer! However, I did use UTC in the English version: I couldn't resist some minor changes during translation, and a radio message about a leap second this year helped me remember to put it in...)

Hopefully, the others will find it worth their effort as well. Even if you aren't attracted by the idea/theme, I'd like to know. Comments stay as welcome as ever, no matter how small the issue. I'll be glad to tell something about it!